An object in motion...

There was a time in high school where I rode a bike everywhere. And in my mind, my bike was awesome. I had this baby tuned! It had 24 gears and all of them went in smooth. It had that front suspension dealy and that made me feel like I could go anywhere. And the brakes! Oh man, let me tell you about those brakes. They were my pride and joy. I had those things adjusted that the lever would only have to move 1/8 of an inch before they clamped on tight.

Anyways, during my sophomore year in high school, there was a corner that my friends and I would hang around after school to kill some time and wait for my friend's mom to come pick them up. There was nothing too special about that corner, until this one time that I somehow got there earlier than everyone...

On this fateful afternoon, a charming thought came into my head. I thought, 'Hey, it would be pretty cool that when my friends show up, I come speeding down the street and skid to a stop right in front of them!' That would be the best thing ever! And in my mind I saw praises being heaped upon me for such an awesome entrance.

My plan was simple; step one would involve me going down the street a bit and wait for my friends. Step two would involve me going as fast as I could and slam on my brakes right before I got to my friends. Step three? Hear their awe and bask in glory.

So I set my plan in motion. When they showed up, I pedaled towards them as hard and fast as I could to pick up as much speed as humanly possible so the skid could be of legend. But as detailed as my plan was, I forgot one thing; which one of the brakes did what. And I wound up slamming on my front brakes.

What happened next went in super slow motion. I distinctly remember looking over to my friends and seeing their faces of wonder. I then remember myself feeling as if I was being lifted up by celestial forces into the heavens. And when I reached the heavens, I found myself looking down upon them, as if they were ants, and I contemplated to myself, "something is wrong".

When I awoke, I was tangled with my bike and backpack, lying on the ground exactly three feet ahead of where I slammed on the brakes. It took me a moment to realize that I was looking at the sky and that my friends were staring at me. In what had to be the most pathetic attempt at trying to save face and trying to look cool, I quickly unpretzeled myself and started laughing saying, "Dude, I totally planned that!"

No one bought it.

As I was justly being laughed at and laughing at the utter stupidity of what had just happened, my friend's sister screamed bloody murder and said, "Waldo! Look at your arm!" I quickly looked and found nothing to be wrong. It was then that I noticed that blood was dripping off of my pinky. I have a five inch gash on my forearm! It was then my friends decided that I should go home and get that looked at. I say my friends decided that because I was still trying to play to the whole thing off as if I planned it.

Anyways.... I get home and I quickly get to wrapping up the hole on the side of my arm with white gauze. And then I realize, I can't let my mom see this! She'll freak out! I look at the the wad of gauze that is my arm and I think, "she won't notice"

My mom noticed within two seconds after coming home.

'All-terrain' tires are a misnomer.

OK, I tried a whole lot of different styles to write this. None of them worked out, so I'm just going to be as honest as I can.

Last week I got stuck in the sand and I had the time of my life!

Exhibit A

Never have I felt as retarded as I did that day. I've driven my truck for about 9 years and I've known for the longest time that I can't drive in sand. But! Last Thursday I felt adventurous and then committed the worst sin when going exploring.

The sin is that I live in Arizona

Anyways, while exploring, I found a path that I had never been on and quickly found myself in sand. Knowing full well that if I stop, I'm stuck, I started looked for a place where I could do a U-turn. When I found out that wasn't going to happen, I hoped for the best.

Those bumps in the sand are nature's way of laughing at you.

Well... it worked out as well as expected. I tried to get myself out, by rocking back and forth and trying to put rocks underneath, but...

Sand makes fools of us all.

 

Here's the thing when you're stuck; to get unstuck, you need at least a shovel and a second person. I had neither. I needed someone who could make their way out to the middle of the desert and bring a shovel. And to make things worse, I got stuck at 9 in the morning, I was working the second shift at work. Convincing anyone to get out of work to save my moronic butt would be hard, few people would be willing to leave their job. Except for one man....

Scott Sorensen.

Seen here being a most awesome friend while still finding the time to laugh at me.

 

While I waited for him, I decided look around and see if I could find anything that would help us get me out of the hole. What I found made me feel a little better.

The desert provides.

That board and a couple like it along with that tow strap let me know that I wasn't the first idiot to get stuck there. Soon after, Scott showed up. Time to start digging!

You start...

Fast forward a little more than 3 hours and a couple of brainstorming sessions, and this how far we got.

Progress!

Now, Scott drives a 4x4 Ford Ranger, which weighs about 2.5 tons soaking wet. My truck is pushing 3.5 tons. That extra ton meant that he couldn't pull me out of the sand without him digging himself in. We found ourselves in a dilemma. We still had to go about 30 yards before the sand ended. It doesn't sound like much, but...

At the rate we were going, it was going to take us the rest of the day before we got out of the sand. We needed a miracle.

And we got one!

On the way in into where I was stuck (I say I was stuck and not us because Scott could 4 wheel his way out any freaking time he wanted. Seriously, next truck I buy is going to be a 4x4), there are some fully grown trees that are inside some huge planters. Those trees have been there for a really long time. And not once, have I ever seen anyone working on them. Except for that day. That day, there was a huge front end loader moving these trees into a semi bed. In what must've been the smartest idea we had that day, we decided to go ask the guy for help.

It took the guy about a minute to drag me out of the sand.

The mysterious stranger roams the desert helping those in need.

Hoping that one day he'll make amends for his troubled past.

This whole experience took over 5 hours and I was seriously having the time of my life the entire time.

So, remember children. Don't go exploring alone, make sure you have a shovel and make sure your truck is a 4x4!

DIY

Hello fellow DIY'ers! Welcome to the first installment of how to do things. If you are a man, you are expected to know how to do things and do them well. If you are a lady, great!

Men, I am here to help you in your quest to achieve your full potential and how to avoid the classic, "I dunno" look when asked if you can do something. As a true man, you must always know how to fix, install, troubleshoot and probably remove anything and at anytime. As a man, you are to have the know-how to charge into any situation headfirst and come up with the solution and therefore, live up to your proud heritage, manliness.

Textbook "I dunno" look

So, in order to avoid the embarrising situation where you have to admit, "I don't know", here's the first installment of How to do Stuff:

So there's a hole in your fence.

Step 1: Asses the situation.

Welp, better start making a list of things needed at Home Depot.

• Screws. 

          *If you go to Lowe's, stop reading this How-to guide and buy yourself a dress, Nancy.

Step 2: Measure, measure, measure.

I'm told this is important.

Step 3: Make sure you have the proper tools for the job at hand.

While you may be tempted to show off your know-how by using the tools our forefathers used, remember; given the chance, they would've used the power tools too.

Step 4: Wood is expensive, better find "alternatives"

Listen, in this economy, a frugal man is a smart man. If you don't need to spend the money on it, don't. And with so many foreclosures and bankrupt neighborhoods, it sometimes makes sense to just take unused fences.

When did everyone switch to brick fences?

Step 5: Acquire said fence

Once you find what seems to be the one wood fence left in the entire city, take another quick measurement and begin cutting.

Remember: Don't be greedy, take only what you need.

Step 6: Load fence.

Local laws and regulations may vary, but normally, the rule of thumb is, if it doesn't stick out farther than your mirrors or a foot farther back than your vehicle, you don't need any "extra wide notices". Make sure to secure whatever it is you're carrying if it looks like it'll move around. And, it's best to drive a short distance to make sure that your load has settled and re-tighten if necessary.

Step 7: Make a getaway.

Step 8: Make sure you aren't being followed.

Nothing worse than being caught, amiright?

Step 9: Install fence.

Using the screws you bought from Home Depot, secure the 'new' fence to the old one.
You may be wondering why I used screws, 1.) They don't come loose with time. 2.) They're harder to take off (just in case some other user of this guide found your fence suitable for their project).

Final step: Marvel that it actually fit.

Seriously, you only took one measurement and when you made the cut for the new one, you were off by at least 2 inches.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed this guide.

Croak

Well, I gave a talk last Sunday, people liked it and said that I did a good job. Someone even offered me their daughter because of it (long, awkward, funny story, all of it true.)

Truth be told, talking in public is something that scares the absolute crap out of me. And to prove it, here, for your memory's pleasure is the talk that I had prepared. And if your weren't there, I'm putting it on display so you can see it. This is what I had prepared and what I took to the podium:


I was given a difficult topic. One of which I truly was at a loss at how to put together. There was a lot of prayer and wrestling with the Holy Ghost. As a result, I came to tackle this the same way I do everything else in life; head first and without an idea of how it’s going to turn out. So here goes.

 I hope I’m not breaking new ground when I say this, but, sooner or later, we’re all going to die. I know! Yes, it’s incredible, even I, will kick the bucket too. I can’t believe it either. There will be a time when we must put down this mortal body and do our part to help the flower business. But what is it about death that has us talking about it in hushed voices? Personally, I narrowed it down to two things:

1.                   I haven’t done it before.
2.                   I’m scared of things I haven’t done before.

But then, there are two things that give me hope. One is that our spirits are eternal. By definition, if something is eternal, then it cannot have a beginning or end. Going to the Mormon string theory, if I have a piece of rope stretching from eternity to eternity, and life is represented by a string somewhere along that line, then death is truly only a small part. Yes, it can be sad when it happens to someone we know, but I have found incredible peace and even joy from those experiences.

I’ll start off by referring to D&C 42:45-46.
“Thou shalt live‍ together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep‍ for the loss of them that die….And… those that die in me shall not taste‍ of death, for it shall be sweet‍ unto them;”

What a wonderful promise! If we live in the manner that is pleasing unto God, then he promises us that death will not be something that we will not be afraid of.

So, what about after we buy the farm? What then? I offer these words from President Hinckley.

“Of all the victories in human history, none is so great, none so universal in its effect, none so everlasting in its consequences as the victory of the crucified Lord who came forth in the Resurrection that first Easter morning.
We laud the captains and the kings, we praise the nations that are victorious against oppressors. We appropriately build monuments to remember their sacrifices and their triumphs over the forces of oppression. But great and important as are these achievements, none can compare with the victory of the lonely, pain-racked figure on Calvary’s cross who triumphed over death and brought the gift of eternal life to all mankind.
He it was who answered Job’s desperate question, “If a man die, shall he live again?”

I offer my testimony that our Savior lived and then died on the cross for us. I offer my testimony that he did break the bonds of death and He himself, resurrected and lives in eternal glory today. I testify that which he did he offers to us. I have family members waiting on the other side of the veil who wait for me.

This brings me to the second thing that brings me hope. We can live with our Heavenly Father again. If we live according to His gospel, we can live with Him. Ever growing, ever learning. I believe that the life after this one will be even more exciting than the one we have here, without the things that weigh us down in this life. To have immortality is a guarantee that we have thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ. To have eternal life is what we have to work at while we’re here. And we’re promised that if we follow Him, we’ll receive His greatest gift, eternal life. But all this is when we go and bite the dust. So don’t go rushing things.

As it is, there is still a lot of life to live! Sure, there’s a lot of things wrong in the world, but when hasn’t there been? Find someone who’s lived long enough and they’ll tell you first-hand experiences of when it’s been worse or that it’s happened before. We are here to live and learn.

And learn we do. During the course of this incredible experience that is life, we have or will stumble in a way that we cannot overcome. Again, this is where the tender mercies of our Savior reach for us. I know that the Atonement is for us and is to be used for us. One of the greatest moments of human history was when Jesus drank of the bitter cup. He did it out of love, knowing that all of us have fallen short. I invite any that need it to repent. It may or may not have to involve talking to the Bishopric, but they are there as you need them to help you along. They love you, I have seen their love expressed towards this ward and its members during my time that I have served with them.

Speaking of the Bishopric and love, I will say this in passing. We’re supposed to get married sooner or later. Preferably sooner.

But, if marriage isn’t on the horizon, there are many other aspects of life that don’t involve it. This is a magnificent world where opportunities abound and experiences are to be had. If you’re in school, be the best you can be at it. If you already have a career, keep expanding yourself. There are people that you’ll meet, places that you’ll go to. There are good moments, bad ones. Up, down! This life, to me, is exciting. But, it can feel overwhelming at times.

This is where the gospel comes in.

-Helps us setup priorities.

-Example of Lili.
–                    student father. 5 kids and time consuming callings.
–                    I respect look up to them for what they have done. Have a successfully family.
They live the personification of stress and yet, they make it seem easy.

Life is hard, it's meant  to be that way.

This is the time we have to use to prepare to meet God. And he does this so we can learn.
This is meant to be a time of joy.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

If you read it, and were there, you'd notice that there are some things in there that I didn't say. Most noticeably the quote at the end. I decided quite literally at the last second against the ladies line because it just didn't feel right. And the "be of good cheer" scripture? I simply freaked out and forgot to say it.

Also, you'd notice that at the end, I stopped writing the whole thing. This is where I ran out of gas. I had some ideas, but nothing that I could flesh out into a complete sentence that would still flow with the rest of my talk. I had to trust in God and hope my ad-libbing skills were up to the challenge.

So, there it is, if you think that writing a talk is hard, it is. But, I hope you can take some comfort knowing that the rest of us are just as worked up about it as you are.

Just hope you don't have to talk about death to a bunch of 20 year old's who only think about it whenever they go to a funeral.

I think they're fine.

My brother Wil, who I love, and I, have a lifelong history of getting even. We're not fighting, but we make sure to settle our scores. There are no winners, just one-upmanships. As an example, he once, after we had finished playing racquetball and were driving towards his house, wiped his hand all over my face with a body odor which is best not described. I settled the score by making his arm limp for a week. This has been going on for years.

Yesterday was no different.

So my brother, Wil, had gotten involved in the world's saddest accident a couple of weeks ago. He is now looking for another car because his old car is considered totaled.

Fixing this love tap cost more than what the car was worth.

So yesterday, I get a phone call from him asking if I want to go with him to look at cars he found on craigslist. I say yes, because I'm a good brother who is single and doesn't have much of a life. So he, his wife Jessica, their baby and I hop into their rented Kia and go to an address that's off the I-17 and south of Buckeye.

The 'hood.

We're going to look at a 2003 Camry. We find this thing, and red flags start going off everywhere. This car literally just got out of the repair shop (it was in their parking lot). And nothing says sketchy like a ghetto repair shop. We were going to drive away except the 'owner' caught us. We decided that we should at least drive the car to be nice. The owner even let us drive the car without him!

Wil and I left Jessica and the baby to watch the Kia. Again, we're at sketchy repair shop in south Phoenix.

So we take off without putting on our seat belts. During the courtesy test drive, my brother, who is driving, tells me, "Hey, the brakes feel a little low." To prove his point, he steps on the brakes, hard, and without warning. We were only going about 25mph so I only had the small discomfort of being flung forward.

I thought to myself, "Alright... so that's how it is."

He then offers the wheel to me. Telling me, "Here, you check it out. What do you think?"

So, still feeling the slight twinge in my neck from the mild whiplash, I take the wheel. He doesn't put on his seat belt. I then proceed to do two things.

One: I floor the gas pedal and very quickly reach 40mph.

Yes, this is faster than what old people let on.

Two: I stomp on the brakes.

Imagine this, the tires have locked up, they're screaming, and they're smoking. I stopped that car in about 20 feet.

The only thing I see out of the corner of my eye is my brother doubling over and trying his hardest to do a full face plant on the windshield.

He did a pretty good job, though.

Personally, I think those brakes were pretty good.