Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I didn't see him!

So yesterday my older brother, Wil, came by my house to pick up some stuff he has stored in my shed. This was going to be in the morning while I was at work. Jeremy, one of my roommates, was going to be home to let my brother in. In a normal situation, this shouldn't be that big of a deal... if everyone communicates to each other in a clear manner.

This was not a normal situation. Remember children; Assumptions suck.

The following takes place between 8:45 and 10:30 am in Glendale on Dec 16th...

 
 

At about 8:45, Wil texted me asking if the gate was open. What he meant was, "I hath arrived, please allow me entrance to your domicile." I didn't know I had to read between the lines. So I text Jeremy to keep his eyes open while my brother gets there.
 
Unfortunately, at around 9:30, Jeremy has a doctor's appointment. And he texts me saying, and I quote: "Can you have your bro lock the door when he leaves I didn't see him and I'm late" What he meant was, "I saw your brother earlier this morning and at this particular moment in time, he is not in my field of vision. Please have him secure our habitation when he departs. It behooves me to make haste to the healer's as I am tardy." Again, I had no idea I had to read between the lines.
 
So right now, in my mind, from what I've been told, is that Wil hasn't gotten to my house yet and Jeremy has just taken off. What they assumed is that I know my brother is there and enjoying some pop-tarts.
 
So to me, the house is unlocked, the alarm is turned off and the memory of the break-in a couple months back is still fresh in my mind. So I set the alarm remotely from my phone.
 
 
Not his time, bucko! 
 
 
At around 9:55, I get a text from my security company that the alarm has been tripped! So I called my brother immediately, from work, to ask if he was at the house. While I'm calling him, I get a call from the security company. I don't know what to tell them, I'm on the phone with my brother and I don't want to give them guesses so I ignore their call.
 
They, therefore, call Jeremy because he's the backup contact but he's ADD'ing at the doctor's office... he doesn't recognize the number and he ignores them too.
 
Bad move
 
You see, my security company takes non-answers very seriously. If you don't pick up, they assume you're under duress or a hostage. So... they call the cops.
 
Picture this: My brother is at my house with a dolly and a bunch of boxes when the cop pulls up with a report of a robbery. Oh, he's suspect number #1. Fortunately, the guy is pretty chill and doesn't shoot my brother. The cop winds up calling me asking me if Wil is supposed to be there and whatnot. I say yes and everything so the cop says he has to confirm that the house is mine by asking me to describe some of my decorations that he chooses.
 
I got nervous.
 
You see... a while back Jeremy decided to put up a poster of "thou shalt not commit logical fallacies" in the living room. My other roommate, James, in order to keep balance in the force and as a joke, put up a "Don't tread on me" flag on the opposite wall.
 
 
Hilarious
 
 
So the cop asks me, "What flag is hanging on your wall and what does it say?" And I'm thinking, "holy crap, this guys thinks I'm a tea party nut."
 
I tell him and he goes, "One final question: on your corner table in the bottom, what do you have there?" And it dawns on me, "oh no, my stormtrooper helmet. He thinks I'm a racist dork! I'm on a list!"
 
And that's how I accidently wound up calling the cops on my brother
 
...And that's how the cops have shown up to my house twice in 4 months.